


be still my foolish heart (don't ruin this on me)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: written by the victors [5]
Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Hellenistic Religion & Lore, Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Female Character, Feminist Themes, Gay Male Character, Healing, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Modern Retelling, Recovery, Retelling, Twilight Spitefic, Writers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 03:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: The first time any fan sees the face of the author of the bestselling Bleeding Love series, they're shocked.A young man in glasses and jeans steps out onto the stage of the talk show and the fandom collectively gasps. No one expected the author of a hit romance series about Kiera Mitchell, a young white girl, and her vampire lover Damien to be a gay, black man.(Kiera Mitchell and Gan Brown have far more in common than it seems on the surface.)Soft-spoken Gan Brown sits down next to the hostess. He crosses his legs, leans back, shakes her hand.Then he speaks, and the world falls silent.Four years ago, Gan Brown’s coping mechanism made him an international bestseller.This is never what he meant to happen.





	be still my foolish heart (don't ruin this on me)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Almost (Sweet Music)" by Hozier.

_ "Ganymede was the loveliest born of the race of mortals, _

_ and therefore the gods caught him away to themselves." _

 

The first time any fan sees the face of the author of the bestselling  _ Bleeding Love  _ series, they're shocked.

A young man in glasses and jeans steps out onto the stage of the talk show and the fandom collectively gasps. No one expected the author of a hit romance series about Kiera Mitchell, a young white girl, and her vampire lover Damien to be a gay, black man.

(Kiera Mitchell and Gan Brown have far more in common than it seems on the surface.)

Soft-spoken Gan Brown sits down next to the hostess. He crosses his legs, leans back, shakes her hand.

Then he speaks, and the world falls silent.

 

Four years ago, Gan Brown’s coping mechanism made him an international bestseller.

This is never what he meant to happen.

 

_ Peter Maximo had been the best thing to ever happen to nineteen-year-old, fresh-out-of-high-school Gan. A lawyer bent on making partner at a prestigious firm, Peter was gorgeous and smart, cunning and ambitious. He might not have been the nicest person in the world, but he would take Gan on dates and promise him the world. He was Gan’s first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first sexual partner. _

_ He was  _ perfect _. _

_ Until he wasn’t. _

 

“How could they possibly like this?” Gan nearly shouts at his therapist. “He’s  _ abusive _ ! He’s a  _ stalker _ . He’s not a hero- he’s a fuckin’  _ monster _ !”

Dr. Minerva Crates looks at him coolly. “He was your hero, once upon a time.”

Gan plops down on the sofa, wringing his hands. He doesn’t know what to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Kiera and Damien were supposed to be a horror story, not a love story. It was supposed to be fiction. It wasn’t supposed to be anything save a way to deal.

Now it’s a bestseller, and there are millions of girls hailing it as the next Romeo and Juliet. The thing is, Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy for a reason.

_ " _

_ “How long have you been watching me sleep?” I ask. _

_ Damien shrugs, a smile carving away at his lips. “Just a couple of months.” _

_ Damien’s smile puts my fears at ease, soothing away my apprehensions. With him I am safe. With him nothing bad can happen. _

_ " _

For the past two years, the third book hasn't been published. Gan says he's lacking inspiration, but that’s not entirely true.

He can't find the voice to say that he wants to kill both characters. Damien was the abuser, he deserves to die, but Kiera was also the idiot who fell for him. She doesn’t deserve a happy ending if she could fall in love with a man like Damien.

( _ Gan _ doesn't deserve a happy ending if he could fall for someone like Peter.)

 

It’s about a year into Gan’s hiatus when he makes a new friend.

He’s sitting at the local cafe, laptop open. He’s scrolling through the fanfic of  _ Bleeding Love,  _ alternating between horror and despair at the genuine fangirls and satisfaction from the fix-its by anti-fans.

“Hey,” a man’s voice says, and Gan looks up to find a bushy-haired man in a windbreaker and jeans. He has a bright smile and gold-green eyes, and he looks kind of like Gan imagines Trey, Kiera’s best friend, would look like. “I couldn’t help but ask: do you have an inhaler?”

“What?” Gan asks.

“‘Cause you take my breath away.”

Gan stares at the man for just a moment before asking: “Who are you?”

The man smiles. “Name’s Virgil Goldstein. I know, stupid name. My friends call me Virge.”

Gan gives him a raw smile. “My name’s Gan. I know the feeling.”

Virgil laughs. “Oh god, really? ‘Gan?’ That’s a ridiculous name. Makes me feel a bit better. At least mine is the name of a famous author.”

Gan nearly laughs. He became famous for reasons he never anticipated, nor wanted, but the fact remains the same:  _ his _ name belongs to a famous author- himself.

Instead, he asks: “So, that line just a few moments ago: was that a pick up line?”

“Yeah,” Virgil says. “Did it work?”

“Not really, to be honest.”

Virgil snaps his fingers. “Dang it. Guess I’ll have to try harder next time.”

Gan thinks about pushing Virgil away. He’s still not entirely comfortable with men after Peter, but Virgil seems alright. (Gan ignores the fact that at first, Peter did too.) “How about we just try bein’ friends first?”

Virgil grins. “Sounds like a great idea, Mr. Gan.” He gestures to the chair opposite Gan. “Mind if I sit?”

Gan takes a deep breath. “Sure.”

 

_ Gan found out six months into their relationship that Peter was married to a woman named June, a businesswoman who was heiress to her parents’ banking fortune. _

_ Peter promised that he would leave June for Gan.  _

_ Peter grew angry and lashed out, and then promised that he wouldn’t do it again, because he loved Gan, that he was just frustrated- _

_ Gan would believe him, because that is what he believed love to be: forgiving people for their mistakes. _

 

His agent begs for more chapters. There are pleading emails, dogged reminders, a constant deluge of questions.

Gan wants to help, he really does. He just can’t come up with any way to end Kiera and Damien’s story that will get rid of the pit in his stomach.

"

_ Damien leans in, crowding me against the car, and I feel a prickle of fear down my back. _

_ “You don’t need to talk to Trey,” Damien says, eyes glowing gold. His perfect lips are turned down into a frown. _

_ I nod. "Okay, Damien." _

_ " _

Gan still wears turtlenecks to cover up the scars Peter’s teeth left the times he bit too hard. He sees Peter wherever he goes, in windows and on trains. He clutches his satchel tight, afraid to let go.

(It's hard to sleep when he sees Peter’s face every time he closes his eyes.)

 

_ Peter's mistakes soon become unforgivable. _

 

“You're the writer of  _ Bleedin’ Love _ , aren't you?” Virgil asks, and Gan nods. Virgil frowns. “Really? You don’t strike me as the type.”

Gan sighs. “To be a writer?” He’s faced this kind of bias his whole life, and it’s not surprising that even Virgil, who seems to be a pretty good guy, would think such a thing-

Virgil laughs. “God, no, you’re brilliant.” Gan’s heart speeds up at the praise. “No, I meant the type to write a romance like that. Kiera and Damien’s relationship is horribly unhealthy.”

“I know.”

“Then why would you write it like that?”   
  
The words get stuck in Gan’s throat.

 

_ “You have to leave him,” Ari pleads as she helped Gan wipe the blood from the cut on his cheek. Peter’s wedding ring had caught him there when Peter had gotten angry at him for something or other. Gan could never tell why, he just knew that he deserved it. _

_ “I can’t.” _

_ “You're gonna get killed, Gan.” _ __  
__  
(I know. By everything holy, I know.)

 

Gan falls asleep one night, about six months after he meets Virgil, when they’re binge-watching their favorite show. The nightmares eat and eat away at him until he wakes up screaming, Virgil’s hands on his shoulder.

“Gan,” Virgil says, “You okay?”

Should Gan tell? Does he trust Virgil?

Gan swallows. “Have I ever told you about Peter?”

 

Gan hasn't felt safe in seven years, since the first moment Peter laid hands on him.

Virgil doesn't make him feel completely safe, but he makes Gan feel comfortable, and for now that is enough.

(By god, that will have to be enough.)

 

_ Gan realizes that he can’t wait for someone else to save him. He has to save himself. There is no waiting for a white knight. _

_ It takes forever to escape, but he does it. _

 

“I want to kill them both,” Gan admits. Virgil stops in the middle of chopping vegetables for dinner to look at him. Gan knows that his tone is betraying how horrible he feels in this moment, how badly he wants his characters to suffer. “In the end of the story, I want both Kiera and Damien to die.”

“C'mon, Gan,” Virgil cajoles, “You gotta give Kiera a happy endin’. You can't kill her and Damien. The greatest revenge would be to have her find happiness with someone else.”

“It would be a perfect endin’,” Gan says, fingers curling in frustration. “Killin’ him.”

“No, Gan,” Virgil says, “You gotta stick it to ‘im. You gotta show that Kiera can not only survive Damien’s abuse but have a happy ending. You gotta show that abuse isn’t the end of the story.”

Gan stares at the ceiling above the couch. “She doesn’t deserve to live,” he spits. “She’s an idiot, that she fell for him.”

“She’s not an idiot,” Virgil says, tone sharpening. “She’s a victim. And you can make her a  _ survivor _ . You can show Peter that what he did was fuckin wrong.”

Gan freezes. Virgil’s broken the one rule Gan has ever set out: you do not admit to who Damien really is. You do not talk about Peter.

“Get out, Virge,” Gan hisses, “Get out of my apartment,  _ now _ .”

Virgil’s eyes go wide, but he nods. “Of course, Gan,” he says, “Whatever you need.” He grabs this windbreaker from the back of the sofa and leaves immediately. There is no malice in his movements, no blame in his tone. There’s nothing like Peter in Virgil. Virgil has his issues, definitely, but he would never hurt Gan. (At least, not on purpose.)

Still, Gan is frustrated. He’s  _ allowed  _ to be frustrated. That’s what it means, to be his own person. He can get angry without looking over his shoulders. He doesn’t have to be afraid of confrontation, of conflict.

Gan plops down on the sofa and brings his hands to his face. He begins to sob.

He’s never truly cried over Peter before. At least, not since he escaped Peter’s flat. Even when he wrote the worst moments of Kiera’s life, he didn’t let himself feel. He didn’t let Kiera be more than a character, a way to cope.

That stops now.

Gan opens his laptop. He has a story to tell. It’s not going to be a pleasant one, but it will be told.

Kiera needs this.  _ He _ needs this.

_ " _

_ Carmilla doesn’t crowd me. Instead, she leans back with a sympathetic frown. “Kiera,” she says, “Are you okay?” _

_ I shake my head. “No,” I say finally, “I’m not.” _

_ “Do you feel comfortable talking about it?” _

_ I swallow, then nod. “Yes,” I say, for the first time since I left Damien. “I want to talk about it.” _

_ “If that’s what you’re comfortable with, then that's what you should do.” _

_ " _

He meets up with Virgil two days later, after an approximately thirty-one-hour long writing marathon (give or take a few food/bathroom breaks). Nearly all of the third book is typed, and it’s not perfect, but it may just be the best thing Gan’s written in ages.

“I just wanted to say thanks,” Gan says, adjusting the strings of his hoodie. He’s suddenly nervous. “I wouldn’t have been able to write this book without you.”

“Oh, Gan,” Virgil says with a grin, “That book had nothin’ to do with me. It was all you-”

Gan thinks  _ screw it _ , leans in, and kisses Virgil.

This isn't Gan’s first kiss. It is, however, Gan’s first kiss with someone who isn’t Peter. This is the first kiss that doesn’t bruise.

He leans back slightly, looking Virgil in the eye. Virgil’s smile is as blinding as the day they met. “I love you, Gan,” he babbles. “You are wonderful, and smart, and creative, and so much  _ more  _ than anything Peter said, and I don’t give a damn what that monster did-”

Gan kisses Virgil’s cheek.

“Thank you.”

 

**To the Sticking Place (Bleeding Love Trilogy, Book 3)**

**by Gan Brown**

**Kindle eBook$9.99|Hardcover$12.49**

**Top Customer Reviews**

 

***/*******

**By** **DamiensHeartIsMine** **on June 15, 2016**

**WARNING: SPOILERS! RUN AWAY! OR JUST RUN AWAY FROM THIS BOOK!!!**

**If I could give this book zero stars, I would. Gan Brown just betrayed** **_everything_ ** **he’s led up to. How** **_dare_ ** **he break up the greatest OTP of all time and betray the story like this.**

**v Read more**

**50+ comments | 10,453 people found this helpful.**

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*******/*******

**By** **Katerrific198** **on June 18, 2016**

**Gan Brown** **_listened to us_ ** **, guys, and what a fucking miracle he did.**

**Gan Brown** **_knows_ ** **that this relationship is an abusive one. He** **_knows_ ** **that what happened in the first two books was fucked up. And he** **_fixed_ ** **it.**

**v Read more**

**50+ comments | 9,850 people found this helpful.**

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***/*******

**By** **H8terboi** **on July 9, 2016**

**No way a strong, young, black guy like Gan Brown was the victim of abuse. The author is just BEGGING for attention.**

**v Read more**

**50+ comments | 3,897 people found this helpful.**

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_ " _

_ Carmilla smiles and my heart doesn’t race, like it did with Damien. It doesn’t run wild, threaten to escape my chest. Instead, a warm fondness fills my heart and I smile back at her. _

_ “You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met,” I say, including Damien in that statement, and it doesn’t feel like a lie. _

_ “Nope,” Carmilla says, and the modern slang coming from the mouth of a 200-year-old vamp makes me giggle just slightly. “ _ You  _ are, my beautiful, adorable girlfriend.” _

_ My breath catches in my throat for just a moment. Damien never said anything like that. He was always so slow to compliment that every praise felt like a gift from god. Carmilla, on the other hand, seems to actually take joy from complimenting me.  _

_ It's hard to get used to, but I think I like it. _

_ " _

 

The talk show hostess blasts through small talk, obviously wanting to get to the meat of the interview as much as the rest of the audience surely does.

Finally, the question comes.

“In  _ To the Sticking Place,  _ the conclusion to your best-selling  _ Bleeding Love  _ trilogy, you managed to take what a number of people referred to as a modern “Romeo and Juliet” and turn it on its head. Putting Kiera with Carmilla instead of Damien was a plot twist no one saw coming. Can you tell us what you were thinking about when you wrote  _ To the Sticking Place _ ?”

Gan nods. “I went into this series  _ knowing  _ what I was writing with Kiera. I went through it myself, though lackin’ the literal vampires. The story isn’t entirely mine, but large portions of it are.”

The crowd seems ready to cry.

“Everyone wants to know: do you regret the ending to the  _ Bleeding Love _ trilogy, Mr. Brown?” the hostess asks. She even leans forward slightly, so interested in the answer.

Gan smiles. “Nope.”

The hostess laughs. “So quick to answer. You sure?”

“A good friend of mine told me that Kiera deserves a happy endin’ as much as the rest of do. She didn’t deserve to have her story end in tragedy. She didn’t deserve to be Juliet. She deserved to be Kiera, whatever that may mean, and have an endin’ all her own.”

_ " _

_ “Crowley,” Carmilla says, plopping down on the ground next to me. The final battle is over, the confrontation with the Prophet won. Damien is gone, off to whatever corner of the universe he’s crawled off to, and I could care less about him. Right now, there’s just my girlfriend and I, and that’s enough. “I’m never going through that Hell again.” _

_ I shake my head. “We brought down the Prophet. I would do it again if it meant he could be defeated.” _

_ Carmilla turns to look at me. “Fighting this war was worth it, if I got you out of it.” _

_ I laugh. “That’s incredibly cliched.” _

_ She raises an eyebrow. “Even if it’s true?” _

_ I lean in slightly. “If it’s true, then I’m sure you can come up with your own way to say it.” I don’t want cliches. Damien was cliches. Carmilla is a vamp with trust issues, but she’s not cliches. She’s not special, or the Chosen One, but she’s her own person and she doesn’t want to own me. _

_ “Fine,” Carmilla says, lips turning up into a slight smile. “Whatever her Majesty wants.” _

_ Her tone is playful, joking- everything Damien never was. _

_ " _

“Look at that,” Virgil says, and points at the tv screen. “That gorgeous celebrity on tv. Wouldn’t it be nice to tell him how much I admire him?”

“Hey,” Gan says, and tosses a piece of popcorn at Virgil’s bushy hair. “Your boyfriend is right here.”

Virgil grins. “ _ My  _ boyfriend is a best-sellin’ author, a brilliant man, and a kind person. You wouldn’t happen to know him, do you?”

Gan rolls his eyes and decides to play along. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

“Really? Could you introduce me?”

“Sure,” Gan says, then leans in and pulls Virgil into a kiss.

“Crowley, that’s good,” Virgil says.

“That’s  _ my _ catchphrase.”

“Um,” Virgil says, and holds a finger up in mock-protest. “I do believe that Gan Brown borrowed that from the ancient works of the alchemist Aleister Crowley.”

Gan grins. “Oh, shut it.”

Virgil smirks. “Gladly.”

Virgil leans back in, and-

Gan Brown finally feels safe.

 

_ “This is goodbye, Pete,” Gan said. His whole body was poised to run, the stitches in his cheek freshly removed. In the space where they used to pinch his skin, a raw, red line stretched across his skin, a canyon unbreachable by Peter’s words. _

_ “You’re leaving me?” Peter screamed, face contorting into anger.  _

_ Gan nodded. “I can’t bear you anymore.” _

_ “How  _ dare  _ you!” Peter couldn’t bear rejection, and Gan knew this far too well. “I’m the  _ only _ person who will  _ ever _ love you!” _

_ “No, Pete,” Gan said softly, stepping off the porch. “ _ I’m  _ gonna love me. That’s enough.” _

_ Then he turned and ran away, nothing but his satchel on his back. For the first time in a year, he was smiling. _

_ He was free. _

 

_ " _

_ “Ich liebe dich, Kiera.” _

_ I smile. _

_ “I love you too, Carmilla.” _

_ " _


End file.
